Transformation: Presence

Today my 3-year-old son, Grayson, looked at me and exclaimed ”Today is a happy day! Let’s dance, Mommy!” I obviously obliged. I reveled in how he associated happiness with dancing. We danced and I relished in the moment. I connected with him, connected with the music, and connected with my mind, body and soul. It was a beautiful moment. It was beautiful because I was present.

I spent most of my late teens and early 20’s at the club. At the time it was my favorite social activity; nothing could beat dancing and drinking the night away. There wasn't a single night you wouldn't find me there. Looking back I can say that dancing has always been my favorite form of escapism. Perhaps that's why I've connected so deeply with Formation Studio. Saschie described it best: a nightclub for your soul.

Dance integrates and synergizes my mind, body and soul. It invites my body and mind to communicate in the most basic and honest way. Giving my mind the permission to be free permits my body to move in whatever way it desires. Overcoming the challenge of letting my body move uninhibitedly has convinced me that I can do anything. I am mentally stronger, physically stronger and more willing to step out of my comfort zone.

However, recently I’ve found myself reverting back to old thought patterns. The voices in my head have been extra noisy. Perhaps it’s the holiday season, maybe it’s my period but truthfully, I know it’s because another year has passed and I’m still nowhere close to figuring out what I’m doing. These are the moments when being present and practicing mindfulness and gratitude bring me back to a place of peace. The internal struggle to have it all figured out is very real.

I saw my therapist yesterday. She reminded me that I didn’t need to have it all together all the time. She suggested perfectionism was at play. She observed that I was smiling a lot as I rambled about finding balance in my life. Midway through our session she finally stopped me and said “Meagan, I can see that you’re holding back. You don’t need to smile through the pain. I need you to give yourself permission to feel. You’re safe here.” And then she told me I was either on the verge of a nervous breakdown or a spiritual breakthrough. My smile quickly turned into a steady stream of tears. I was unraveling. She asked me what I wanted to do about it.

I proudly proclaimed that I was going to let it all go. I was going to combat all the noise in my head by just letting it all go. “Meagan, there’s a fine line between letting go and avoidance.” She said the words I’ve known all along, “the studio has become your latest coping mechanism. You have to decide what you’re going to do about Mark. You can’t avoid this anymore.”

Mark and I have been slowly finding our new normal. He is home again and sober. This hasn't been easy. I can forgive but forgetting is not in my nature; I remember everything. My only option has been to change the emotions I've attached to memories and actions that hurt and haunt me. Not an easy task but I know it's the only way I can move forward. I had a choice, and I chose to stay with Mark and see this through. I'm choosing love. Despite making this choice my actions have focused solely on loving myself.

Now I need to put in the same amount of work into our relationship. I need to be intentional with my actions and cognizant of how those actions are perceived. Mark called me out — I was using the studio to escape from our problems. I even invited him to escape there with me. Or at least join me and Grayson at our next dance party. I’m convinced dance solves everything; the benefits are undeniable.

Bringing awareness to all the emotions I rejected and suppressed has been the most excruciating part about this journey. All the fear, depression, guilt, self-hatred, hypocrisy, resentment, pain and anger I repressed for so many years continue to show themselves in places I didn’t expect. I know I have to stop judging myself. I'm working on forgiving myself. I'm giving myself permission to feel. Being present has helped tremendously in accomplishing this and is something I am constantly trying to exercise.

As I work through this for myself, I encourage you to remember to enjoy the precious gift of living this holiday season. We all have our own battles. Be present. Every breath, every moment, every second is a gift. Don’t take it for granted. Time is expensive, spend it wisely.